- Andrew: How'd you do on that TV show?
- Heidi: I think facially I did fine.
- Andrew: "I think facially I did fine" should be the title of your memoirs.
“I have 300 thread-count sheets, but who’s counting? I’ll tell you who - POOR PEOPLE!”
I was on a comedy show last night, where a rich older lady went up & did stand-up for the first time. That was her second joke, after opening with “I live in a 3 million dollar house, so I don’t need to do this!” I’m in love.
I’m thinking of starting a Tumblr dedicated to the last thing I look at online before I fall asleep.
Posting this once final time before I have to re-write/re-shoot it, since apparently NO ONE fantasizes about sex with Tim Gunn!
Last night I hosted a show, and in attendance was Josh “Sweet Home Alabama/probably other things” Lucas.
After the show, the exact same scene unfolded between him and I that happened between him and Reese, above.
So basically, guys, what I’m saying is, I’m in love and moving to Alabama. Thanks in advance for your blessing.
I was there too. With a baby. In a bar.
My Razzie Predictions:
Alvin & the Chipmunks in: Chipwrecked
Red Riding Hood
The Untitled Drew Barrymore and Whales Project
Jack & Jill
Nicholas Cage
I just booked a trip to the Dominican with my good friend who is stunningly gorgeous and quite literally looking to get “her groove” back. It’s actually remarkable to me how WHOOPI I am going to be on this trip. I know the wardrobe department must have dressed Whoopi up in that wide-brimmed hat and glasses in order to spell out for the viewer that SHE FRUMPY (as if the fact that the character is played by WHOOPI GOLDBERG didn’t spell that out enough.) But guys! I NEED that wide-brimmed hat and glasses to shield my alabaster skin from the sun’s harmful rays! Also, my tastes just naturally gravitate toward blousy zebra-print, and my face just naturally gravitates toward surly unimpressedness. This is all to say that I’m totally gonna have a threesome with two gross old guys, just like Whoopi.
“
When Nick takes his girlfriend’s kids on a road trip, it’s the kids that are driving - HIM CRAZY! Don’t miss “Are We There Yet?” Sunday at 6pm!Just another day on the job, writing synopses for Ice Cube movies. Is this what career fulfillment feels like?
Thanks to obsessively stalking my own timeline, I now can trace back every single nickname I handed out at the 2009 Gay Mixer. (My nickname? Countess Poach.) Here they are, in no particular order:
Curds & Whey
Twinkle
Heath Ledger
Two-Tone
Aaron Kyte 2.0
Cake
Buff
Grey-Grey
Fluke
Tallarious
Can anyone help me figure out WHO these people are in real life? It’d be weird if Curds & Whey was like, Juan or something.
“Who tells the time with a digital watch?
Whose cut & colour did the salon botch?
Who insists on posing with menus emblazoned with the name of her favourite member of S Club 7?
THAT GIRL!”
-What would have been my theme song 10 years ago.
